This guide will help you stay alive in the event of a zombie attack.  I don't want anyone skimming, if you plan not to read every word of this 5-page document (it's not long, half of it is lists!) then I don't want you reading it because you won't get all the humor out of it.  With that said...

• Learn to spot a Zombie
• Escape Plan
• Find back-up
• Weapons
• Where to hide
• How to build a good barricade
• Rations
• If the Zombies break in
• Re-escape plan
• So you survived your first Zombie attack...
• Fun with Zombies

Step 1: Learn To Spot A Zombie.  The defining features of a Zombie are as follows:
~ Pale skin
~ Obvious spider veins
~ Inability to form a sentence
~ May be covered in blood
~       May be missing limbs
~ Blank stare
~ Glazed-over eyes
~ May appear drunk, but cannot drive
~ Seem to have an insatiable urge to grab and gnaw you
~ May have exposed brain matter
~ Their mouths will hang open if they have mouths at all
~ Inability to feel pain
~ May groan
~ Sometimes travel in packs

Zombies may often be confused with drunks, wandering around late at night in the streets with no clear sense of direction.  The key difference here, is that they will be searching for warm flesh to feast on, whereas drunks are trying to find the clearest way to their homes without intercepting policemen.

Step 2: Escape Plan.  Zombies will attack when you are least expecting it.  That’s sort of something they do.  When a Zombie attacks, you must follow these steps to stay alive:

If you are in bed, and a Zombie is down the hall, moving towards you, reach for the handgun safely tucked into a compartment in your bedside dresser that you’re allowed to own thanks to the 2nd Amendment.  If you do not have such a weapon, find a blunt object with which to bash their head in.  Stab wounds do nothing to Zombies—you must destroy the brain, or sever the spine at the base of the neck.  If you have to use a melee weapon on the Zombie, try to find a nearby lamp or clock to crush their forehead in with.
Once the Zombie is down (if he or she is not, you probably won’t need to read any further anyway) look for a clear exit.  Close and lock the door to the room you are in if it has one, as there may be more Zombies following.  Look for the nearest safe route out.  High windows (from where you can jump to a tree or slide down a pipe of some sort) are good, because Zombies do not climb by nature.  Once you’re outside of your house (and make sure not to stay inside—an attic is no place to hide from Zombies, they will find you) head for the nearest closed mode of transportation.
If you have a car, move toward it.  If it is surrounded by groaning Zombies, don’t move toward it.  The same rule applies if they are silent Zombies.
If a car is unavailable, open spaces are your friend. Contrary to what some recent-day Zombie movies would have you believe, Zombies cannot run.  They can shuffle quite quickly, but their muscles have deteriorated, and they don’t know how to use them to the best of their ability.  In an open space, even if many of them are shuffling to you, you can outrun them without getting cornered.  Now, decide where to find help.

Step 3: Back-up.  Safety lies in numbers.  Once you’ve escaped, find support.  But remember, never find aid with those who have been scratched or bitten by Zombies.  Just kill them.  Kill them dead.  In the skull so they don’t come back.  Kill them in the face, so hardcore.
Then teabag if it feels appropriate.
Good team mates:
• Anyone with experience in firearms
• NRA members
• Law Enforcement officers
• Ninjas
• Anyone with experience in medical practice
• Attractive, non-diseased sluts
• A Texan sniper with a Walkman and cowboy hat
• Andy
• Mr. Rogers
• Master Chief
• Super Half-Life Man
Bad team mates:
o Pregnant women
o The elderly
o Other Zombies
o The bitten or scratched
o Small children
o Gun protestors
o Hippies
o Zombie Mr. Rogers
o A fiddle player
o Gas Lipstick
o Jacques Chirac
o Judas Iscariot
      A quick note about pregnant women and the elderly—while they are to be pitied, they must be left in a safe zone, or shot if they are in a crowd of Zombies because they will only hinder your progress, and could turn into Zombies if left in a crowd—a fate worse than death for them.
      Anyone capable of operating a gun proficiently will be your ally.  Ninjas can decapitate Zombies.  Andy is cool.
Gun protestors need be shot in the case of a Zombie attack (and in some cases even if the Zombies are friendly and joyous) as they will try to use their words and guitar playing to sooth the savage Zombies.  That will get your entire group killed.  Nothing angers Zombies more than hippies.
      Do not let Zombie Mr. Rogers accompany you.  He is bad news.
      Gas Lipstick sucks, and will be slow and want to take a Whopper break whenever you are near a Burger King.  If a Zombie attack is occurring and Gas Lipstick is anywhere nearby, shoot him in the head.  Reload if needed.

Part 4: Weapons.  Weapons are always necessary for Zombie attacks.  While it may seem unfair the average hippie observer, the Zombies do not feel pain and will proceed to mess you up if you are unarmed.  Here’s a handy list of good weapons to have in the event of a Zombie attack:
• A 12-guage shotgun
• A sawed-off shotgun
• Really, any kind of boomstick will work
• Fragmentation grenades
• Handguns
• Cricket bat
• Field Hockey stick
• Automatic firearms
• Daggers if you can get in close and plant it square in the middle of the Zombie’s head (bad for mass attacks, only for proficient and experienced Zombie hunters)
• The Redeemer
• Bruce Lee
• Charizard
• Rocket Launcher
• Flamethrower
• Sentinel beam
• Molotov Cocktail (do not mix and burn unless 21 or older)
To the opposite extreme, some weapons are terrible for use against Zombies.  We want to make sure you don’t make the mistake of choosing one.  Weapons that are very bad against Zombies are as follows:
o Vinyl records
o Flaming bags of poo (although fire frightens them, they may be smart enough to stomp it out, and poopoo shoes do not bother them)
o The Beach Boys
o My cat Dewey
o A wet rag
o A Super Soaker
o A spatula
o Your own severed limb
o Your mom
o A skull
o The Necrinomicon
o A Swiffer sweeper
o Your own pee—although in Postal 2, it will make people vomit, Zombies are not people

Part 5: Where to Hide.  So now you’ve got your stash of weapons, and team of Zombie-killers.  Now you need to find a place to hide.  You need to consider the following:
~ Zombies can break through glass; do not hide in a shopping mall, unless it is like the one in Dawn of the Dead where the top floor is absolutely sealed off from the bottom with connection only by the elevators.
~ Zombies cannot swim, or boat—so find an isolated island, or large boat to stay on.  A small island (and I mean small) is ideal, because if it has any inhabitants they can easily be disposed of (assuming they are zombies).
~ Get a large space, as your group will not want to catch cabin fever, but it cannot be too big that you cannot defend it against an incoming zombie attack.  A football stadium would be a bad choice, as it has many openings that cannot all be guarded, and provide easy access for zombies running in.
~ Do not find yourself located in a high tower.  If you do, and zombies fill the bottom, even if they cannot come up to you, you will not be able to leave without the assistance of aircraft.
~ Caves are bad.  They are dark and smelly and icky and closed.  And there are bats to get in your hair.  Don’t go in caves.
~ If you can find a large, abandoned castle, hit that.  It might have a moat which is cool because you can crank up the drawbridge and keep them out.  They’ll just sorta fall into the water and float around.  Plus, it’s large and open so everyone in the group can have their own space, and even pretend to be a royal family!  I like to be the king and have other people be jesters who entertain me at my throne!
~ Don’t hide in a cemetery... if you hide here during a zombie attack, I believe that your death will be beneficial for the cleansing of the gene pool of idiots.
~ Do not box yourself in—in other words, don’t hide in a meat freezer or an oven.  You will die.  Either by your own stupidity, or the eventual—and inevitable—zombie intrusion on your hiding space.
~ The Winchester—as great and pub-ish as it may feel, as secure as it may seem, it has windows that can be smashed into if you draw attention.  You know what?  Don’t go anywhere that has windows.
~ If you find yourself taking a bomb shelter into consideration, do a quick headcount of the people in your team.  If you have more than two others besides yourself, say “hey look over there!” and blast them in the head.  You and I both know that you’ll go insane with too many people in a small, confined area and you don’t know how long it’ll take for this whole zombie business to blow over.
~ You should check to see if the mansion in Oakwood with the Hummer is being occupied.  That place is huge.  If it is occupied, and they don’t want to let you stay, kill them in the face.   If it isn’t occupied, check for zombies—then make yourself at home.

Part 6: A Good Barricade.  We learned one day playing Halo 2 in multiplayer that time, skill, and dedication to building a barricade can save your life.  What you need to do is grab all nearby solid objects (solid, bulky... not chairs or things with holes!) and stack them on top of each other like bricks.  Make a thick barricade, so that you cannot be seen on the inside.  Make it look solid so that the zombies will not think to shove on it.
With the right skill and effort, your barricade can keep you safe until the zombies move by, and then you can bust out and make a run for it.  This technique can also be employed to block up doors and windows, as long as you know what you’re doing.
Warning: Barricade building is only for experienced zombie fighters... if you try to pile up rocks and you mess it up, your thumb could get crunched or something and hurt really, really bad.

Part 7: Rations.  When hiding from zombies, you will need to consume food to stay alive and not become one of them (assuming that Hell is all full).  Bring some Funyuns and Mountain Dew to snack on while the thing occurs, and if you absolutely run out of edible material (you could have stayed in a Wal-Mart, but no you had to go choose Best Buy as your hiding spot) you can draw straws to decide which team mate gets eaten.  There’s no shame in eating a team mate as long as you’re in your right mind and not a Zombie.  When you first leave your home or place of occupation as the Zombies are attacking, you should grab some Pringles, Hot Pockets, and Ramen noodles on the way out.

Part 8: If the Zombies Break In.  If Zombies get in, you are obviously bad at barricading, bad at picking a hiding place that doesn’t suck, and bad at defending your zombie-safe haven.  Here’s your chance to prove that you’re not bad with a gun.  Let’s assume you actually are staying in a Best Buy.  The first thing the zombies will do is bust in through the front entrance, and it’s a big store to roam so you may have a chance to head for the fire exit.  A good way to check and see how fast they are approaching, is to crawl up on top of a display and check to see their heads moving through the Classic Rock and Country CD aisles.  Quickly gather up your team mates (but don’t scream to draw the Zombies’ attention... if this means leaving some people behind, so be it) and head for the escape exit in the back.  Ask the Ninja to watch your back on the way out.  If you’re ninjaless, then have someone keep a boomstick ready and aimed at the zombies following behind.  Once you get out, slam the door shut.  This should buy you an extra few seconds.
The zombies will be able to shove against the bar to open the door, but may not do it immediately.  It may take zombie-on-zombie piling to force the bar to the door, and the door to open.  Thirty seconds maximum will be your extra time to run with.

Part 9: Re-Escape Plan.  Now, refer back to Part 5: Where to Hide and this time, don’t skim!  Last time you skimmed you picked a crappy hiding place and the Zombies invaded!

Part 10: So You Survived Your First Zombie Attack.  You survived, huh?  Pretty proud?  Well pat yourself on the back, you’ve survived.  The zombies are all dead and the world is ready to get back to its normal business.  You should find survivors, pick off surviving Zombies for fun, and go out and celebrate with your favorite drink.

Part 11:  Fun with Zombies.  This section will detail the different things you can do to make your zombie-evading experience a little more pleasant.
• Shoot That Celebrity!  Sometimes, you’ll be trapped on a rooftop with a sniper rifle.  In times like this, you’ll spot a zombie that resembles a celebrity in the street below, and have a friend try to peg it in the head.  If that friend gets the right zombie, he or she gets 10 points!  20 points if it really is a celebrity!
• Zombie Sex!  Sometimes you’ll get a zombie tied down and you may be deprived of sex in the last few hectic days.  There’s nothing wrong with doing a zombie, because all studies show that the undead do not qualify for necrophilia, and zombitis is not a sexually transmittable disease.  Go ahead, have a little fun... what will the zombie care, it hates you anyway.
• Chain Zombie!  This game isn’t a game so much as it is knocking a zombie out, chaining it up, and spending the next four weeks laughing really hard as it starves to death.
• Zombie races!  If you can manage to hook four or more zombies up to bungie cords, grease up the floor beneath them and try to get them to race to the person waiting at the end.  That person will be safe because they’ll be armed with a shotgun.  The first zombie to cross the line—and then get shot in the face—wins!  Place yer bets, ladies and gents!
• Zombie Hunt aka “Resident Evil”!  This is where you trap about fifty zombies in a mansion, give yourself a limited supply of ammo, and play a real-life game of Resident Evil!  Odds are you won’t survive.  Most people don’t play this game.