Daddy's ghost behind you
Sleeping dog beside you
You're a poem of mystery
You're the prayer inside me

Whenever I forget to take my pill, I can feel my regular thoughts creeping back in. Not even creeping, they make themselves known. Something like, "you thought you could get rid of us, but guess what fucker, we're back!"

Went to a lot of trouble last night to help secure bud to smoke with a friend who never, ever smokes...he never came by (to my knowledge) and the rest of my friends all smoked without me. Great, that's just great...real communal, you assholes.

I'm consistently on the fence between wanting to do something motivated (like get a job, figure out my deal with school), but every day that goes by just makes me feel like it's all that much harder. I can't even describe the sick taste in my mouth over school. I think the higher education system in this country is a travesty, but if I want to go to Japan with a work visa, I have to get a 4-year degree here first. A 4-year degree! I bet between the community college, out of which I was booted, and the university I began attending this year, I don't even have a year's worth of credits! My room mate found a loophole in the system so that he'll get to live a nice, cushy life without ever having to go to school, and that's great for him, but what about me? There are people out there who are simply not made to go to college.

When I was younger I thought it was the dumb people. I thought, people who just don't get education very well, they will work retail management jobs and probably be okay with it. Never in a million years would I have imagined that in many instances, it's the smart people whose particular styles don't lend themselves well to the university machine would be the ones stuck, looking for other, poorer, alternative career options. Being an autodidact hasn't meant anything for the last hundred years. It doesn't matter how much information you can pack into your head, if you didn't pay someone $60,000 or more to put it on a piece of paper and give an endorsement, your knowledge and study amount to nothing.

And I don't even think I want to bitch about interpersonal relationships. It seems like real bad news, but suffice it to say, that that part of my life is just as frustrating as any other.

FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU- I like to try and talk myself into believing that it would all be easier if I came from money. You know, like if I could afford to study overseas, find some loophole in the system...but what's the point in hoping for a history that never was? It's just me continuing to try and rationalize my inability to do anything with myself.